Friday, May 4, 2012

I'm moving...right out of my comfort zone

Well, I thought I would have more time to write here but the days are a crazy haze of pumping, cleaning pump parts, bottle feeding, tube feeding, pumping, cleaning out the feeding bag, flushing the line, turning off the false alarm on the apnea monitor, pumping, changing diapers, pumping, doing PT exercises, changing the G-tube dressing, giving a bath to someone, pumping, singing every children's song I can remember on four hours of sleep (which, incidentally, is like three), pumping, placating playing with the two big kids, scheduling doctor and therapy appointments, pumping, throwing a load of laundry somewhere, doing a load of dishes, reading books to or with someone, helping someone use the potty, pumping, holding my sweet girl and--wait--did I mention pumping? And those are just the days we stay home all day. Most days include at least one outing to speech therapy, a doctor's appointment or church.


So, here it is. I am living square in the middle of God's grace because He has effectively evicted me from the cozy little comfort-zone-home where I have happily resided all these years. I loathe making phone calls, but have to call everyone under the sun to get going with Early Steps, schedule private therapy, reschedule conflicting doctor appointments, and order more feeding bags. My stomach hurts--I mean clenches with mortal dread-- when I have to put a bandaid on someone, but I have to clean and tend to the hole in my daughter's stomach twice a day. I detest doing math in my head, but I work those ancient brain cells to calculate the amount and rate of each tube feed. I absolutely hate making babies cry, but I have to do tummy time with Aerin to help her neck and trunk muscles get strong (Okay, I admit I cheat on this one. I do tummy time on my chest and let dad do the rest.) And I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't think I can even fathom what is to come. This is, I suspect, just how God likes it since, otherwise, I'd be heading for the hills in retreat.

I hope that this doesn't sound as much like complaining as it probably is. To be honest, each time I take that tiny leap towards doing something that I swear I can't do, I find that I am amazed at how God gives me just what I need to get through it. It has given the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)" several new layers of meaning for me.

In close, here are some pictures of my sweet thing. She just makes the best faces!


  1. I know it may seem so hard right now. I promise that it will get better. God does not give more than he thinks you can handle. I know first hand through having a child with a g-tube and with special needs is challenging, but you are giving her and your other kids your absolute best. Take comfort that you have lots of friends and family that are thinking of you and keeping you in their prayers. If you need anything just give me a call. Sending you hugs!

  2. Kristin, you're amazing! God has you in the palm of His hand. We're praying for you everyday. Today, when we were praying, Ava said, "God, please let Aerin have a really fun day." ha,ha! Hang in there. You are doing a great job. You're a great mom and one day you are going to have a crown in heaven, and three special little people who are going to be so thankful that they had you as a mom. Love you lots! Amy